How do I justify thee? Let me count the ways.

As a strapping man of many stone, I understand my worth, for yea that mine own intake may not exceed 2800 calories on the morrow.
As well my morning coffee cost me but a trifle, a mere 50 calories in nonfat milk, and four sweeteners sent to adorn and please my palate from the very Gods above.

Upon the path to the stable, I was confronted by the stealth and savory wit of a banana, and I laid with it for a time. She was sweet, but she cost me. 110 calories, save I return to the bunch.

But only 160 into the warmth of the morning sun, my gait was strong, my fears unrealized, my intent noble, for I knew my luncheon fate lay ahead as the sun rose to its peak. A tireless seductress was sure to tempt me with the fruit of her loins, and my will to resist would be no match for the strength of her greasy fill, and her chocolaty ambrosia.

What woman is this, who can see the breadth and depth of a man’s need? What heartless siren takes the very will of a man in trade for her delights? One could barely push her name past one’s lips for fear of utter surrender.

Hours passed, and as if summoned by my wanton spirit…

she suddenly laid in front of me.

Her garments trembled in the breeze beneath her, as if they themselves were aware of her undeniable strength over a man. As the world behind me blurred with unimportance, and without regard to any consequence, I knelt to take her with the warm sun on my back pushing me down, down, down.

I paused, and held still for a time. And as if to softly return me to the moment, she whispered, “950 calories…that still leaves 1700 for dinner, My Lord. Please don’t make me beg, sir?”

I fell on her again with a savage fury, satiating my every urge until the scrape of my plastic spoon began to yield waxy disappointment, and I fell back in exhaustion. In a prideful swoop I adjusted my belt to recover my girth, and looked at her remaining garments not with guilt, but with the eyes of a man who had found freedom. She had pushed me, and I had taken her. There was no remorse clinging to my spirit, nor would there be…

until I found her sister…

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Comments

  1. I could never compete with that post. But as a nurse who cares for heart patients (and yes, some are your age), may I suggest a Daniel fast?

  2. They closed the one by our home. I guess for my betterment. I agree though, that Wendy , oh sweet Wendy can bring even the strongest of men to their knees. I am a Jr. bacon cheese, small fries, med frosty guy.

  3. This was hilarious! Loved it! And I’m glad you are fast and loose with the Tuesday Tribute as I am recycling my Monday Post for Tuesday Tribute as I used it to pay homage to my favorite photo blogger! Got to recycle and save the Earth, right?

  4. you are killing me.

    It’s 10 pm and you done flung a Frosty’s craving on me.

    At the one establishment that’s 24hrs in this town.

    Good thing I’m in my pj’s and it’s colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra here.

    I ain’ta gonna do it.

  5. I have like five names I want to throw at you right now!!! I am going to have to send my husband out for a frosty now. At almost 9:30. And he’s probably going to argue it. ~sigh~ Here goes.

  6. If God didn’t want you to have a Frosty, he wouldn’t have invented them. When I picture manna, I picture something like a Frosty. Heavenly!

    Great post! I am impressed with your biblical style.

  7. Haha!!! How dirty…I want Wendy too πŸ™‚ (and thanx for the comment! It will be second one….I’ll just plan on sleeping in the bathroom like like last time!)

  8. Used to work at Wendy's and one of the only things I liked were the Frosty Shakes.

    Love the proseβ€” makes it seem less guilty in the end.

  9. I haven’t had Wendy’s in a while…I bet Wendy’s is thankful for your free advertising in this down economy… it seems that you have insired a few people to make a fast food run!

  10. You know, I’ve never met Wendy. I never knew she had so many sides to her. Next time I might not drive by her like all the others she’s lined up with…. Gotta think, gotta think….

  11. Just so you know…There is not a Wendy’s in my little tiny town. I have to drive an hour just to get to one! So I guess I’ll be driving that hour for lunch today! Thanks Jay!

  12. Ooooh, makes me want french fries dipped in a frosty. Yum, yum. This was a hilarious post, and a heartfelt tribute, obviously. πŸ™‚

  13. LOL! You beast!

    When I was writing my first TT I thought, hmmm, this is kind of about me, but then how can you do a TT without it being a little bit about you? I don’t think it is possible.

  14. Jay – okay my tribute post just about killed me. I don’t know if I will ever blog again – it took me so much time. You better go read it or you suck.

    Just kidding.

    Happy Tribute Day!

  15. Have you ever dipped your fries in the frosty? It is soooo yummy! It must be the salt with the sweetness of the chocolate. When you aren’t counting calories give it a try some time. πŸ™‚

  16. Oh my heck, NOW I get your cigarette reference from twitter you wrote…

    I’m thinking Arby’s… oh oops I mean Wendy’s…

    Enjoy it.. and the gut…

    @carissa_momif

  17. My mom loves their frosty – I love the orange salad

    Love your writing – just found you and I enjoy and will continue to follow anyone who makes me smile

    πŸ˜‰

  18. Hey, man…

    Thanks for stopping by my blog today! One twisted ticket indeed…ha!

    Your blog is fantastic…I’ll be back!

    :^) Anna

  19. Thanks for stopping by my blog, and for following. I get so excited I about do a happy dance when I see I’ve got a new follower (I know…easily amused). Anyway, I plan to do this weekly – I did the inaugural post last week. I think this is just a great idea – it gets the blogging section of the brain thinking in a new way to actually have to write something that’s NOT about me (gasp!). I think your blog is a riot, and I’m going to have to send my husband over to check it out. He just started a blog about gaming. I think he’d like what you have to say. Thanks again for stopping by my blog.

  20. That was so shakespearean…almost needed foot-notes….tehe!! Boy, she was already frosty…keepin it G!!!

    I do love Wendy…for $.99 she sure is cheap, sweet, and goes down easy…I’ll shut up!

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