How do I justify thee? Let me count the ways.
As a strapping man of many stone, I understand my worth, for yea that mine own intake may not exceed 2800 calories on the morrow.
As well my morning coffee cost me but a trifle, a mere 50 calories in nonfat milk, and four sweeteners sent to adorn and please my palate from the very Gods above.
Upon the path to the stable, I was confronted by the stealth and savory wit of a banana, and I laid with it for a time. She was sweet, but she cost me. 110 calories, save I return to the bunch.
But only 160 into the warmth of the morning sun, my gait was strong, my fears unrealized, my intent noble, for I knew my luncheon fate lay ahead as the sun rose to its peak. A tireless seductress was sure to tempt me with the fruit of her loins, and my will to resist would be no match for the strength of her greasy fill, and her chocolaty ambrosia.
What woman is this, who can see the breadth and depth of a man’s need? What heartless siren takes the very will of a man in trade for her delights? One could barely push her name past one’s lips for fear of utter surrender.
Hours passed, and as if summoned by my wanton spirit…
she suddenly laid in front of me.
Her garments trembled in the breeze beneath her, as if they themselves were aware of her undeniable strength over a man. As the world behind me blurred with unimportance, and without regard to any consequence, I knelt to take her with the warm sun on my back pushing me down, down, down.
I paused, and held still for a time. And as if to softly return me to the moment, she whispered, “950 calories…that still leaves 1700 for dinner, My Lord. Please don’t make me beg, sir?”
I fell on her again with a savage fury, satiating my every urge until the scrape of my plastic spoon began to yield waxy disappointment, and I fell back in exhaustion. In a prideful swoop I adjusted my belt to recover my girth, and looked at her remaining garments not with guilt, but with the eyes of a man who had found freedom. She had pushed me, and I had taken her. There was no remorse clinging to my spirit, nor would there be…
until I found her sister…