Today I have a very special tribute to three individuals at Kroger whose names I dont even know. But you made a difference in my life, and I want to spend a minute acknowledging you today.

You see, on Sunday I narrowly avoided an aneurysm spending the day attending to the simple and strenuous needs of my kids. After a fairly pleasant morning, lunch, and naptime, we headed into our trouble hours…4-7.

After having been lulled into complacency, and having never learned the 4-7 lesson despite over four years of late day hell, I decided in all my wisdom to take the kids to Kroger to get a couple of things for a nutritious supper. And maybe a treat.

Two kids. One cart. Sit down. Stop yelling. Dont touch your brother. Stop sitting on the bread. Dont throw the bananas over the side. Sit on your bottom. NOW.

Enter Kroger deli employee #1. Please tell me where the Country Crock tubs of mashed potatoes are. (I know…nutritious. Save it.) Other end of the store…by dairy.

Transverse the store. Sit down NOW. Stop touching your brother. Dont sit on the bread. Oh God don’t touch the…sorry ma’am. One more time and you’ll do a time out.

Enter Kroger dairy demon #2. Please tell me where the Country Crock tubs of mashed potatoes are. In that refrigerated case under the deli counter. Thanks so much, can’t wait to tell your deli friend what an incredible moron he is.

Transverse the store. SIT YOUR BOTTOM DOWN NOW. And NOT on the bread. Get that out of your ear. Oh my sweet mary, if you put your mouth on that one more time I am not driving you to the hospital. If I have to talk to you one more time, no ice cream tonight. Ok, no ice cream tonight. Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying. Look how fast we’re going! Look at us go! Weee! SIT YOUR FU….SIT YOUR BOTTOM DOWN NOW. NOOOO Not the eggs… PLEASE do not touch the wine bottle again…that bottle is the only thing holding daddy together right now. No you cant have a banana. Yes, you can have a banana. SIT DOWN!!!! NOT on the bananas.

Enter Kroger Angel of Death #3. Your coworker told me the Country Crock mashed potatoes were in the dairy. Can you please tell him he is destined to die alone, and tell me where the damn potatoes are? They ARE NOT in the case down here. No? that’s because they are in Dairy. Well, just down from dairy.

By the MEAT.

Whatever I have done to you, Kroger, I wish now I had done it harder. And worse. And just a tad more violently. And to you three servants of Satan himself, this tribute is to you. Because the rooms of hell are filled with the screams of those who don’t know where the Country Crock Mashed Potatoes are, but who pretend they do.

We did not have potatoes. We had ice cream.

Reader Interactions


  1. I’m crying. I’m seriously crying. Stop. Can’t breath!!!!

    (and that’s why I shop at Super Target.)

  2. Ice cream is nutritious if eaten with bananas. πŸ™‚

    At least NOW you know where the damn potatoes are hidden.

  3. I wish they had some standardization for things like that. Safeway keeps them in the deli area, with the premade sandwiches and heat & eat ribs. Wal mart keeps in them with the meat, unless they are in the deli with the pre sliced cheese. Food Lion must leave it up to the individual stores because I've found them in the deli, in produce with the potatoes, in the dairy and stored with the bacon and sausage.

  4. Seriously, I am laughing my head off! I can’t ever think of a good time to go shopping with two kids!

  5. This was so funny….and just like my normal grocery store trips. I feel your pain.

  6. I have already learned THAT lesson! I NEVER take my kids out after 3. I don’t care if it’s an emergency trip to the ER, they will just have to wait!

  7. Oh God we have had days like this! We do NOT take the kids to the grocery store EVER any more! LOL, Hope you enjoyed your wine atleast!

  8. This cracks me up! I could see my own shopping trials in my head as I read and I only have one child old enough to be naughty like that.
    I’d say you deserve ice cream after that!

  9. I would be so furious.
    I mean seriously, seriously?
    And I would’ve bopped your kids if I were you.
    But see, that’s if I were you. I tend to bop anyone that gets on my nerves.

  10. More importantly…how did your bread and wine survive?

    That was hilarious.

    And, aren’t they by the eggs? No, maybe the meat by the prepared meals? Aww…hell. Just by the packets that you add water to. They taste just as good!

  11. I give my kids a snack when we get in the store. That makes is slightly less painful.

    After the 1st employee screwed up, I would have made them give me the &$&# potatoes for free.

  12. I hate Kroger, the one by us is always dirty and their produce is n-ass-sty!

    I only stop there because it’s on my way home from work, and sometimes I’m desperate for a bottle of wine!

  13. Serves you right for trying to be nutritious.

    And oh my gosh it’s totally one of those posts where I feel I’ve been there done that. Bless you.

  14. LAUGHING MY ASS OFF….I know, lmao, but really, I needed to spell it out because I am!!! So sounds like my life a few years ago when my kids were smaller. Actually, we still have days like that. Basically, Jay, you were talking to yourself and the kids were having fun and knew they were going to get ice cream anyway.

    Isn’t parenting great? πŸ™‚

  15. Poor Jay. . . I know it’s wrong to laugh at your unfortunate situation, but that’s exactly what I’m doing.

    Been there, done that!

    Please forgive me.

  16. It sounds like the only appropriate thing to eat on such a night was mashed potatoes. You simply had NO OTHER OPTION. This was SO funny – I am just dying over here. This is great.

  17. Hello!

    35 years ago today, two of my classmates set fire to our high school. They may have destroyed 50 years of tradition and history, but not the spirit that makes our our little village endure.


  18. So – I’m suddenly glad we don’t have a Kroger here. LOL Although I do feel quite lucky when I go to the local Target and get someone who actually speaks English. πŸ˜‰

  19. I’m suddenly very happy there are no Krogers in Minnesota.

    But I say all those same things to my kids at Super Target. Go figure.

  20. Sounds like the dairy section came home with you anyway, but you had it for dinner:) I have a headache due to this sounding familiar from my own experiences. The cart, the kids, the store…Motrin.

  21. This was super terrific very fun writing! (Apparently, I just read a Japanese English-language ad before I came here.) And hey … ice cream is better than potatoes in a TUB so I think you made out better!

  22. You mean the 10 year old part-time stock boy listening to his Ipod didn’t know where the potatoes were? I’m shocked!

  23. next time pinch the kids, so they scream ( or just tell them to scream), I’m sure that another angel of death would have found those dang potatos for you quick!

  24. Ha! Don’t you know that you go straight to the juicebox and cheetos sections immediately after entering the store? Keeps em quiet for a little while anyhow!

  25. That was painful? Sounds like fun to me. πŸ™‚

    Sometimes I have to take all of my kids to the store. I know exactly what you mean.

    My Tuesday’s Tribute isn’t much of a tribute today either. πŸ™‚

  26. Oh Jay, I hope the wine served a calming purpose, at least the first bottle. Next time have the person walk you to the item so when it is not there you can burn holes through them with your looks and then verbally beat them to a pulp. As for the kids in a store- it is like the Rockie Horror Picture Show meets Hannah Montana. I can go for 1 maybe 3 items and those kids will have me leaving with 20. Oh the Hawrar

  27. SO funny! And I thought you were going to say, at the end, that some Kroger Angel swooped in and found your potatoes and held your children while you drank your wine in the check-out line. now THAT would have been a happy ending!

  28. Youre a brave brave man taking both kids out at the same time by yourself. Even I…Super*cough*Mom will not do that.

  29. I shop at one of Kroger’s sister stores and love it, but I also don’t shop with 2 kids on a Sunday afternoon…that is bad news!

    Ice cream is healthy…it’s dairy so I think it’s fine that you substituted it for mashed potatoes.

  30. You already said it, those potatoes must be evil first of all. Sorry, had to say it.

    And.. I’m happy to hear it’s the same for Dads in the grocery store as for the Moms…

    And… Did you say you would NOT take them to the hospital if they licked that one more time??

  31. i love the way you write jay!! too funny!! we have all been there once or twice!! btw, we aren’t supposed to have ice cream for dinner?? lol oh well, i guess i’m a bad mom, but what’s new?? lol

  32. I would have grabbed the kids and the bottle of wine, thrown a couple bucks at the cashier on my way out and headed home. There I would have put myself in a time out with the bottle of wine.
    This is so funny and so typical of shopping with kids. I could almost remember when my kids were young and taking them with me. Thank goodness they’re grown and gone. Now I just have to deal with the husband

  33. I laughed so hard I about wet myself!! I can so relate to your story…and it’s not just Krogers, try talking with Walmart employees too! lol

  34. The mashed potatoes are always right next to the meat section. The meat section is spread all across two isles. Easy peasy.

    Next time, tell the kids that the first one to find the mashed potatoes gets to sit on the bread and you’ll have it within minutes.

  35. When my kids were small like your kids… I called the hours of

    5-8 p.m. ARSENIC HOURS.

    I either wanted to feed them arsenic to shut them up… or give it to myself… to escape the madness…

    I feel ya… so very much!

    This too shall pass, AND THEN YOU GET TO DEAL WITH TEEN ISSUES!!!

    Do yourself and favor… and LOVE
    the stage they are in… it’s not so much fun on the other side…

  36. I gave up asking Kroger employees where anything is a loooong time ago. They couldn’t find their rectums with both hands. Seriously.

  37. I had that same experience at Giant, except it wasn’t mashed potatoes is was cheese snack crackers. The one employee kept asking me if I was sure they didn’t come with meat. Meat? Seriously?

  38. Oh my word. I think I love you. HAHA

    No seriously, that was sheer awesomeness. That was straight my husband in the line “The wine is the only thing keeping me together right now” LOL!!!

  39. You have to ask another shopper, not the employees. Such a Kroger rookie. And ice cream for dinner is always acceptable.

  40. ROTFLMAO!!! Yeah, I can laugh now, but I’ll be forced to take the Princess Nagger grocery shopping with me again when school lets out for the summer…she really hates going grocery shopping (probably because she hears ‘No‘ a lot during the trip) and since she’s been in afternoon kindergarten has not been subjected to shopping with me… πŸ˜‰

    So was dinner ice cream with mashed bananas? πŸ˜‰

  41. My kids are the same way! What possesses a child in the afternoon, I wonder? And I am totally considering stocking up on groceries in May and not leaving the house with my children all summer!

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