I first kissed a girl in 1984. Not the book, the year. True to some Orwellian prophecy however, people watched me do it, and I was confused and terrified the entire time.

Now you must understand, I had kissed girls before. A couple of Barbies will attest to the fact that I had normal male urges…I simply lacked supporting actresses. Being a somewhat sheltered teenage boy and the little brother to a hellcat older sister, I had not yet seen much action, clearly.

Always husky and pimple-ridden, my high school experience in Holland had been a 3 year collection of sub-par sports performances, grades only good enough to keep me out of a special education program, quite a bit of Southern Comfort and 7up, and Marlboro Lights. And Heineken. Plenty of Heineken. In retrospect, maybe it was the booze that kept the girls away and made exams…foggy.

So one night I headed to our school-funded gathering place, “The Hole”, to finish out an evening with my extremely small clique after a full evening of 16 year old drinking at one of my fav bars. I say “one of”, as I had been patronizing the local bar scene since the tender age of FOURTEEN. It boggles the mind of a parent now, that Queen Beatrix in all her wisdom believed that there is nothing wrong with a 14yr old drinking whiskey as long as they wash it down with cheese, fried food and chocolate. Just don’t drive.

So, The Hole. Enter Jay, standing coolly at the doorway in my fartootightformyphysique jeans, docksiders with no socks, blue buttondown (no logo, couldn’t afford Izod or Polo), Varsity letter jacket with no tournament patches, pins, or anything at all to signify I was more than a 3rd stringer. Polo cologne, all pimples popped. Ready for …companionship.

And there she was. Suzan. The most beautiful girl in the school by many accounts, with her long flowing blond hair, angelic face, and I am stopping at the neck. But be advised, she looked…nice.

She had often said hello to me, and I had often wondered what was wrong with her for doing so. Sometimes gave me a hug, sometimes an intriguing glance, but certainly every encounter was a trophy in my poorly stocked relationship case. And once again she turned, saw me, and smiled.

Now, to describe my lack of experience would not do it justice. So I will paint the picture this way, and I am quite serious when I say, my version of “running the bases” was slightly different from most…a home run would be inked on my scorecard if I got a slow dance from Suzan.

I approached her, summoning every ounce of courage I had to ask the question, at which she smiled brightly, took my hand, and led me to the dance floor…which was…empty. She grabbed me, settled into an embrace, and I entered the gates of Heaven under the watchful eyes of many from our small school.

It was like…well, it is at this point I run out of words…to hold someone that beautiful, swaying with her, smelling her hair…it was like…

She suddenly pulled back from me, looked deeply into my deer-in-a-headlight gaze, and kissed me. Not a peck, mind you, not a teaser, she planted one. A big one. A wet one. I felt her tongue, and realized I was outmatched, and unprepared. Suzan had been around the track, and I, in my Radio Flyer, was having a hard time keeping up with her Andretti-like advance.

But it was a hell of a ride.

We kissed, and kissed, and kissed, for what seemed like hours, but may have just been the duration of “Hotel California” Then, taking my hand again, she led me from the dance floor through a shocked throng of gaping-mouthed friends to start our three month “romance”. At the end of three months, you see, and with that jewel on my arm, I began to summon the stares of more girls, and like the proverbial kid in the candy shop, I broke up with the lovely Suzan.

Pretty sure she was tired of coddling me through our makeouts anyway.

Wherever you are today, Suzan, I wish you health and happiness, and I thank you for taking a chance on a nerd like me.

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Comments

  1. Did you seriously live in Holland? That is awesome. First kisses are very interesting stories, well done. What are docksiders?

  2. Sperry ?Topsiders?…maybe that’s what they were called…perhaps you missed the 80s.

    My only brag about the 80s is that I never owned a Member’s Only jacket…

    They wouldn’t take me.

  3. You sound like you were the poster boy for cool!! That is a great first kiss story…I only wish mine could have been so interesting…

  4. Woah, hoad no idea you hailed from Holland. Gives me a better idea of what we are working with here. (wink)

    Just to let you know, Amsterdam is the only city in Europe I have been to twice (I went back for seconds in high school, then college). The whole place just amazes me. Love the liberal vibe.

    Anyway, loved your post. Sorry, such a long comment, and yes! – I turned off the word verification. Whoopee!

  5. Bravo brother, bravo.

    This explains everything and nothing. Now I have so many questions a shared bottle of Jack could only begin to explain.

  6. Holland?! Holla! I have family there, I LOVE it there! My uncles and cousins live in Nijmegen.

    I didn’t have my first kiss while visiting there, but I very well may have been wearing my wooden shoes…

  7. what a great story. I was totally lost in the moment as I am sure you were. Sometimes we need a little push from some one more experienced.

  8. Barbies will attest to the fact that I had normal male urges…

    BEST QUOTE by far. Didn’t all of us geeks need to get past our first Suzan so we could become the grown up geeks that we are today?? I did.

    Members Only Jacket…?
    I stayed away from fads in the 80s. couldn’t afford them anyway, but I’ve got some Doozer school pics.

  9. Very nice writing. I felt like I was back there with you. I would tell you to read my post today, but I don’t think you can ever summon up the “feelings” I was having at the time.

    I give it an A+.

  10. OMG that was HILARIOUS!!! You totally crack me up. Fer sure. I ate boys like you for lunch. But I know I would have loved you!!!!

  11. You have an amazing way with words. But you know that.

    My first kiss was in front of a crowd too. Only it wasn’t nearly so cool a moment. Okay, it wasn’t even close.

  12. Thanks for your comment on WordfulWed
    yes I think I beat you by a few years on the kiss but it was early 80’s, and yes it seemed like hours and hours. Gotta love the Writer’s Workshop! I better go look and think something up!

  13. I just scrolled down to post a comment, then burst out laughing at Deb’s…still stuck on it. I love how someone’s writing can bring out so many different responses. Well done, loved it….

  14. Jay, that story was like total awesome dude. I could totally smell your fear and your Polo cologne.

    Ok, I just read that you didn’t own a members only jacket. Dude, you just jumped off the nerd list because only the total dorks wore those. 🙂

  15. Hi, and thanks for stopping by and taking the time to say hello! I’ve been by a few times and sorry to say have been too LAZY to leave a comment! I took the time to read this post and it was so sweet! I kept expecting you to say that Suzan turned into your current wife … it’s sweet that she gave you a chance with the other girls.

  16. That was very funny and sweet! My first kiss was bizarre…he had to take out his retainer and put it on the table. GROSS.

  17. Wow! What a vivid post. Thanks for sharing this historic, wonderful and vulnerable story from your past. I loved it~

  18. I’m going to have to google docksiders and topsiders. I have heard the words, but never knew what they were. I was a wee thing in the 80s.

  19. That story, LOVE it! I can totally see it all. And you broke up with her?! You little heart breaker, you. And The Hole? Lovin’ the name of that place 🙂

  20. you have always been a bad boy, haven’t you?? lol 😉 my first kiss was not in front of a crowd, it was back behind a barn with my first boyfriend, matt felpausch (when i was like 9 or 10) i don’t even remember it except that info. right there… sigh

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