9-2-2014 9-34-16 AM
I feel sick.

This post may end up being an eyeroller for some of you, and I apologize. But that doesn’t make this feeling any less real, or frightening.

My wife approached me this week, and as indelicately as she could, said

“C has something she wants to tell you.”

My 5 year old daughter drifted to me, peered up with her ocean-blue eyes and infectious smile and said,

“Daddy? Alex B. is going to be my boyfriend again.”

And that word began its ping pong match in my brain.

boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend

And then it was replaced with the word I almost didn’t notice…

again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again

Now, I know what you are doing right now. “Awww, daddy’s little girl…” and “oh boy, you just wait!!”

Go ahead. Have your fun. Because while you are over there yuckin’ it up,

I feel sick. And now just a tad angry.

Who taught her that damn word, anyway? And then who encouraged it?
When was this kid her boyfriend? And then what caused the breakup? And when did they get back together??!!

And who the hell taught my daughter to give men second chances if he was the one who f*cked up the first time? You f*ck up, you’re GONE. You respect, or YOU ARE OUTTA HERE.

Wait a minute.

Did SHE dump YOU? Then why did you come back around? Do you have no self respect? If you don’t, then she doesn’t want to be with you anyway. Get the hint, kid. Have some pride!! Wait…I don’t care about your pride…Just frickin’ BEAT IT ALREADY!!

I feel sick.

Was it me? Did I do this? Did I yell at her once too often and she thought, “Fine…I’m gonna go get me a bad boy”. When I made her eat three more bites of green leftovers and STILL wouldnt give her a cookie, did she silently decide, “Oh Daddy, you just bought yourself a world of pain.” Whatever it was, honey, Daddy is sorry. Just ask the boy to please go away. For good. NOW.

It is incomprehensible to me that there will come a day when she doesn’t consider me the most important man in her life. Not that she even thinks that now, but I am. And this kid is not gonna drive a wedge between me and my girl. Not now, not while I am still buying her Princess crap.

You just made the list, kid. A very short list of one.

And you don’t want to be on this list.

Reader Interactions


  1. Oh just you wait…you have no clue what is headed your way…as the mother of four daughters who were all teenagers at one time I can tell you that one day a part of you will pray for a boy to come and take her the heck away from you! I know it's hard to believe now but in less than ten years that girl will be so moody you will feel sorry for the boys! 🙂

  2. You might want to consider therapy. It might help you prepare for what is down the road. Worse case scenario, you might get some meds to put you in a stupor so that it all sounds good. Drooling isn't that bad.

  3. I love it! My 4 yo kissed a boy at school this year. Thankfully the teacher told me and not her daddy!

  4. i am dying here, jay! this is why i missed u so much. you and ryan are on the same page and it cracks me up. i feel for you…but remember this, she has your attitude in her bloodline, so she'll be fine. she toss that hand up in the air and say, "back up mister" before you know it. and then, she'll blog about it!

    for now, i am gonna go freak out about my paige, i'm sorry, the freshman, who has a bf…seriously! who did allow this stuff???!!!!

  5. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…thats EXACTLY why I thank God everyday for my sons. I will never have to be on that end of things.

    Good Luck. *giggle*

  6. First of all, holy batman are you a hoot and a half. I think I might be hooked.

    Secondly, us daughters (being one myself, and also having one), we can be a pain. And a big fat worry. And the best thing ever. Let's just say that when we told our parents we were having a girl, everyone else was "oh, yay! pink! blah, blah, blah pink." My mom promptly looked at me and said, "Karma's a bitch!"

  7. Jay Jay Jay..I feel your pain…BUT…I have a 12 year old going into JR in a few days..
    Maybe we need to just start drinking…Ya think?

  8. Oh. The poor little 5 year old boy thinking he just found himself the perfect girlfriend (for the 2nd time). Little does he know how daddy feels. 🙂

  9. Yeah….it's fun. But I have the problem with my son. He's 15 and just ended it with gf # 26. Now…to be fair, he'd only spent time with one of them outside of seeing them in school…lol.

  10. Wait til she starts wearing make up, short skirts and wants to pierce something that shouldn't be! You will want to throw a sack over her head and lock her in a closet until she turns 35! Unfortunately that doesn't stop them from growing up.
    The one thing that makes it all worth while is when she crawls up into your lap, throws her arms around you neck in abig hug and tells you she loves you. Then you know you are still her #1 man.

  11. I have these EXACT thoughts. I have an almost 7 year old and an almost 4 year old daughter and I have decided that I need to buy a gun–so that I can threaten all of the boys that come around. UGH!!

  12. Oh I have the opposite feelings as you since I have a boy. All those little girls swarm him everyday at daycare to hug him.

  13. Wait til she asks if he can come to your house for a "sleepover". Yep, my son, when in kindergarten, asked if his "girlfriend" could have a sleepover at our house.

  14. I honestly really don't like the whole boyfriend/girlfriend talk before the age of…oh…say 16? It bugs me. Can we just let them be little and not feel like they need to care about boys?

  15. I will keep all of this in mind when Chase is 17 and your sweet girl is 16 and they are in high school Chemistry together.

  16. Awwww what a fabulous daddy you are!! I grinned the whole way through reading your post. Awwwwww

    Stopping by from Mama Kat's!

    Oh, and I think I'm going to read your blog from now on. You are hilarious!!

  17. Dating applications are your answer, in the future. My friend's dates had to fill out cards that included car make/model/license plate. They had to put their DL number on it. They had to sign off on the curfew. The parents kept them in a box. We are totally doing that with our girls.

    In the meantime, they are not allowed to have boyfriends. They can have friends that are boys, and they can only exchange handshakes and high fives.

    Good luck navigating this parenthood thing.

  18. Love it! My son, 3.5, says he has a girlfriend and I about choked, both out of laughter and shock. WHERE DO THEY LEARN THESE THINGS???

    Enjoyed reading this. I'm visiting from Mama Kat's.

  19. ahahhaahha…..roflmao. I'm so glad we live in a time where soon enough they will have kid trackers and shit so we can remotely watch our kids.

  20. LOL….

    Hey my daughters are now in their twenties…..and I (still) feel the same way. But out of fear of becoming one of those dreaded overbearing "mother-in-law" types, I just keep it to myself and pray it's just another phase they'll outgrow. 😀

    Hope your and yours have a beautiful day

  21. Haha, oh my!!! At 5 years. I can't even imagine! My husband would flip a lid… and I'm not even sure what I'd do yet. You hold onto her, Jay!!


  22. Listen to Hip Chick. Chances are she'll be a terrible girlfriend and you will wonder why the boys put up with being treated so badly. My "sweet little girl" breaks hearts for fun and there's nothing I can do about it.

  23. Ohhh that is why I am SOOOOO SOOOO Glad I had nothing but BOYS! heehee

    Good luck!
    **Stopping by from Mama Kats**

  24. I am much less concerned about my daughter than my son. Have you seen how agressive girls are nowadays? I am telling you, if you only knew what goes on in a teenage girl's mind….

  25. My daughter is 9 and already has crushes. She won't admit to a boyfriend, but she has admitted to a crush. The same boy since first grade. I'm almost giddy that we are moving and leaving the little hellion behind.

  26. I had a boyfriend in kindergarten.
    I liked him a lot.

    Now I have a boyfriend that's gotten 3 chances.
    And we're fighting again.

  27. I really enjoyed reading your post. I am so happy to be here in your blog. 🙂
    Having little kids around is the sunshine to our home. 🙂

  28. I have to say, if you have an amazing relationship with your daughter (which I think you do) she will ALWAYS have a special place for you in her life…ALWAYS. My dad is, has been, and always will be an amazing, important man in my life. No other man can take that "spot" away from him, even my husband. So, although you have a long road ahead with many of "boys" coming in and out of her life, your role as her father will be far more irreplaceable.

  29. *SIGH*…Gee, thanks…I NOW know what more I have to look forward to…thanks to you…3 year old around here …Kudos!

  30. at 5???…When I was 5, I hated the opposite sex…oh…wait a minute…bad example.

    I'm not sure how I will handle when my son and my soon to come little girl starts the dating thing..
    I really don't want to think about that yet…cause I get sick too.

  31. LOL! Just wait until she comes home and tells you who she is going to marry – at 5. I believe I saw all of your sentiments cross my husband's face at this announcement from our youngest.

  32. LMAO!! That was AWESOME! When my oldest was five, he tried convincing me that his "girlfriend" needed a one carat diamon necklace for Valentine's Day…Yeah, now he's 17 and it really hasn't gotten better..At least he has good taste in jewelry!

  33. Oh Jay, you are going to be SOOOO much fun when she's a teenager. BAHAHHAHAHA I can laugh because I have two teens right now. They are boys, but still, I've already wanted to slap at least two girls silly, and had to resist.

  34. OMGosh…I am so sorry BUT LMAO!!!!!!!!!

    I am so sorry your sick…maybe you should make uglier kids…just a thought…

    She is adorable jay!

  35. I had a mother of a friend who said that she would not let any of her children date until they were 16. Perhaps you need to enforce that rule especially when they reach puberty.

  36. I can tell you who taught her "boyfriend" – it's that little tart Hannah Montana. Of course, it could be Taylor Swift. Or even those giant-headed whiny Powerpuff girls.

    TV is evil. Really. Get rid of your cable now.

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